Sorry

“I wish you just stayed away from us, you’ve ruined everything. I hate you!” She flinched, could he hear her heart breaking, her hopes plummeting, crashing beneath her feet?

“Don’t talk to my mum like that” Well at least someone here loved her. She took a deep breath.

“Leave it” she said calmly to her daughter, who sat down next to her on the sofa. “I can understand their anger. Your dad died, and however much we wish he could, he can’t come back. We’ve accepted that. It’s different for them”. Nodding towards the boys she carried on. “Their parents are divorced. They love their mum and they want nothing more than her coming back. They can still hope and I’ve squashed that hope when I started dating their dad”. She looked the eldest boy straight in the eyes. “I’m very sorry your parents couldn’t work things out. I wish they had been able to. I also wish my husband hadn’t died”. The boys looked down, a silent tear rolled down her cheek. “I am, however very grateful for meeting your dad. I’m forty-four years old, probably only just half way...” she swallowed hard “and I have every right to be happy for another forty-four years to come. Your dad makes me happy, he makes my daughter happy. I hope you can eventually accept that”. The boys looked up, was she imagining it or did they look embarrassed?

“I miss daddy” her daughter wrapped her arms around her; she kissed her on the head. “So do I darling, so do I”.  

The youngest boy asked “What was your dad like” Was it a start? The oldest boy turned round and left the room. She stood up, decided against following him and walked outside into the garden. She needed some air. She wandered round, looking but not really seeing anything. What did she have to do to make those boys love her or at least care for her, she could settle for that.  No more reproaches, no more hurt, no more mess.  She knew lightning didn’t strike twice. She had found love once, twenty years ago and had it been simple. Now, unexpectedly she had found it again but it was so complicated. There were children involved, one very precious girl who had been through enough turmoil and the two boys. She had known them vaguely, the youngest was in her daughter’s class, and they had always been kind. She had not expected any problems with them. At first there had been a forced politeness, indifference followed and now... hate.  John thought the world of his sons. She had to take his word for it. It was such a sad situation. She was scared. What if John couldn’t take it anymore? What if one day she woke up to find him not there.

She sat down on the swing under the oak tree. The big trunk of the tree told her it had stood there for at least a hundred years. Solid and firm, like John’s love, it would always be there. She needed to make this work, for him. What did she have to do to make those boys want her around? What did she have to say to be heard? Her thoughts went round in circles. She didn’t want to admit it, but something had to give. Ben hated her. This was getting more and more absurd. Her life was in pieces, she didn’t need to drag other people into the ruins. She could make things easy for John. He would no longer have to defend her to his kids and them to her. End it all. Big question was how? Pretend it was all over? She couldn’t. One kiss and she’d melt, give in. What would she say? Sorry? It seemed harsh.

Upstairs, from his bedroom window, Ben watched the intruder in the garden. He had been surprised she had not shouted at him. His parents used to shout at each other all the time. Was it better now? He missed Mum so much. She had moved out nearly eight months ago and lived in a very small flat twenty minutes from here. He saw her twice a week and she seemed happier, more relaxed than when she had lived at home.  Dad was happier too, especially since he had met Nora. She was probably going to dump Dad now. He had said the most awful thing he’d ever said to anyone and he had not even meant it. He had heard every word she had said. She had understood his feelings, better than he had himself. She had even been kind to him. Why? He had been horrible. He knew he had to apologize to her, talk things over before it was too late. He wanted Dad to be happy and if Nora made him happy... it was only one word, but it seemed to be the hardest word to say.

Elton John – Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Songwriters: Elton John, Bernie Taupin